Started with music, then turned to me aggressively smoking pot, tripping way more than I should have, then prescription medications I messed with for a while, getting vicodin for a wrist surgery at 14. When I graduated coke was a big thing in my town, so many people were doing it but most of it is really shitty and just gave me an even stronger urge to do other things. At this point my twin sister had already overdosed on heroin the night of our prom, my dad and I had revived her, but she still struggled with her boyfriend who had been an addict for years at that point. I was so hateful towards hard drugs after that, but I ended up going through a really hard time in my life, dealing with a break up, working two jobs and losing my childhood home all in a short time, I moved in with a guy I had been friends with since I was 14 and he was about 2 years deep into his addiction already. I was almost 19 the first time I tried heroin, and I remember instantly knowing it was a feeling I didnt want to live without. I told myself I could actually moderate it, and I did for awhile. I quit my second job and stayed at the same one for around 3 years actually, functioning on drugs for the better part of a year, keeping it my secret from all but maybe 3 people and the people I met through drugs. That was so dangerous, living life like that in secret. Not to mention everything in MA was quickly turning to fentanyl, which is more addictive than morphine, and way more likely to make you overdose, plus narcan/naloxone doesnt always help- my sister needed like 3 when she OD’d, and I’ve heard of people needing more. H quickly changed me, made me bitter towards anything that wasn’t it, even though it was a constant battle with H itself. I told myself I wasn’t hurting others because they didnt even see me doing the things I did, because “I only stole from stores, not the people I loved”, because addiction will tell you anything to keep you in that animalistic “survival” state as my boyfriend and I call it. But basically about a year into doing harder drugs, one night I made the awful mistake of mixing what my friend told me was “liquid xanax” (basically just research chemicals), H, and alcohol, I went from being out and about with my friend, to waking up starfished on my parents front lawn, my head cracked open from me falling into the front cement stairs, me getting up to greet my parents because I couldn’t even feel my head, let alone realize how messed up I was. My mom literally laid in bed next to me and held me the whole night, and I had no idea until she told me the next morning. A day or so later, I remember I had to work all day and I was going through withdrawals towards the end of the day and of course was freaking out trying to figure out how to pickup. I figure out a plan and my boyfriend at the time who was also my manager at work was gonna bring me home from work that day and I was gonna pull my usual “oh I don’t feel good” or whatever so he’d drop me off and not know what I was up to, but I was stupid when I was stuck in that mindset and I can’t believe I thought I could hide it from him or my parents. I got home to an intervention with him and my parents, and an hour later was on my way to a detox in Boston. Freaking out because I was sick, I chugged the rest of the liquid nightmare stuff, and stumbled my way through my first night of detox, which wasn’t much considering I got there late at night. I remember waking up in so much pain the first day though, and everyone there looking at me like “you don’t look as happy as you did!” and me just thinking “I met you??” and realizing I was all alone in a well-known detox on Mass Ave (one of the worst places for drugs in Boston). It was the scariest and hardest week of my life. I did a methodone detox because I was way too sick and weak to try anything else, and I remember I actually came out of detox sicker than I went in because of it, which only pushed me further into my addict mindset, telling me “suboxone! get on the clinic!”- another wrong choice for me. Medical Assisted Treatment can help so so many people, don’t get me wrong. Like with everything, it depends on the person. Suboxone is a synthetic opiate, basically acting to get rid of physical withdrawal symptoms, and works as a blocker in your brain and makes it so you cannot get high on opiates. I ended up being on the clinic for 6 months which started out great, but soon turned into just another addiction. The clinic prescribed me a way higher dose than I needed, which made it super easy for me to sell or trade the subs for other drugs or cash. Not to mention it was just another thing I had to wake up and take every day, and you get sick if you don’t. Another prescription to fill and pickup weekly, biweekly, monthly. I ended up relapsing and after a few months of not talking, the friend since 14 that I had used with for my first time, and who I tried to help get clean so many times, was finally clean. And it hit me like a ton of bricks- he sounds so amazing, he looks so fucking good, and he sounds like HIMSELF again- the kid I fell in love with SIX years ago, before all the insane shit we went and put ourselves through. It took detoxing in jail for a month and getting put on probation, but the fact that he was THANKFUL for that and looking at this as an opportunity to build a new and even better him, was so inspiring to me. I went from basically the streets and living at dealers houses, to moving back in with him to focus on recovery, and I can’t even begin to explain how rewarding it has been. Recovery will always be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, but I also have to be honest and say I do not regret doing any of it. Anything and everything can be a learning experience, its just how you look at it and what you do with it. My addiction is once again music and art- I’ve made goals to learn something new everyday, to find new music, to learn lyrics, to get better with my memory. I’m planning my future and it looks so exciting, even though I’ve officially had to start over with NOTHING. My clothes all got stolen and lost, I had sold every bong, pipe, art piece, everything I cared about. I even lost my wallet and social security at one point, and I can’t begin to tell you how awful that felt. But I kept going, and things aren’t rapidly getting better, but I realize you get what you put into things, you have to make the daily decision to want to be better, it doesn’t just happen. And for anyone curious, I did detox from suboxone and my boyfriend and I are full supporters and advocators of VIVITROL/NALTREXONE. There are pills you can take daily, but I highly recommend getting the monthly shot in your ass, because this stuff has the amazing benefit of blocking opiates and making it so you can’t get high, but is completely not addictive or dependable, no physical symptoms occur.Thankyou so much to anyone who takes the time to read this, I’ve been wanting to post something like this for awhile but quite honestly I’ve been trying really hard to focus on myself in order to be able to at all be useful to others lol proud of everyone who woke up today though, and a huge rest in peace to those who might not, and to those I know who haven’t made it. My inbox is always open- I haven’t had my own phone for the better half of a year so I may not answer right away, but I will always try.
God Bless you Jess. Jess lost her battle with addiction two days ago. She’s an angel watching over us forever. Please, help each other get clean. Live your life to the fullest. Take care. The world needs you. Rest easy Jess @psychedelic-freak-out
“So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out. And decide.”
You know what makes me mad? I used to work at Pizza hut and everyday we would have to throw away perfectly good pizza or potato wedges or garlic bread in the bin because it was the wrong order or the customer had changed their mind. They made us bin the whole thing. We weren’t allowed to put it aside to eat from or take it home (we all earned minimum wage so it’s not like we culd afford pizza that expensive a lot). But what makes me even madder is that they could easily give that to the homeless or poor. Like, if a homeless person came into the store, we could have easily given him one of the 20 or so pizzas that we would be binning every single day anyway. Imagine all the pizza hut stores in the world. Imagine each and every one throwing away on average 20 pizzas a day. Imagine how many people that would feed. Fuck corporations man.
Capitalism is violence.
Grocery stores almost always throw out food when it reaches the expiration date, and most of them destroy it so no one can take it from the dumpster and eat it. Literally, destroying food so no one gets to eat without paying for it. My local Stop & Shop does this.
c a p i t a l i s m i s v i o l e n c e
one of the top tricks homeless people learn is to stakeout the bins behind pizza hut and little ceasars- during the high traffic times for ‘wrong’ pizzas at hut, and during low traffic times for ceasars for the hot and readies that dont sell and are getting ‘old’
you probably were feeding people who needed it, but in a more degrading and less sanitary way
CAPITALISM IS VIOLENCE
fun fact my cousins go dumpster diving a lot, and once i went with them and the lengths stores will go to to avoid homeless people using their wasted products is actually insane
i dont remember where we went diving, but it was a clothing store and there were a TON of bags of shoes. pretty decent sneakers, not anything fancy or rich ofc but good sturdy ones. except that they slashed open the soles of every pair. every. single. pair. easily 50 shoes per bag and not a single one could be salvaged. it must have taken hours to destroy each one.
Theres no point in doing it, if a person is looking through the trash for things they need theyre obviously struggling enough that you’re not losing their business if you let them take what you dont sell, youre just being greedy and violent and incredibly wasteful for the hell of it.
please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future.
